Our three month journey with baby #8....

*Warning- parts of this post may be TMI*

Story of baby #8…baby boy or girl, hopefully soon to be named.

OPKs from this cycle:


October 8th 2009, 10dpo, woke up and tested, BFP on an IC and a dollar tree test. Dizzy and tired.


October 9th 2009, 11dpo, took another dollar tree test with fmu and saw a darker line, PREGNANT! Dizzy when woke up, tired and slightly nauseous.

10dpo and 11dpo test comparison:


October 12th 2009, 14dpo- took a dollar tree test and IC.


November 4th 2009- 7w1d, took another hpt.


Symptoms this pg- very tired, sore bbs, nausea and vomiting- which id never had with any of my previous pg’s (once officially threw up in 6th week, but had a lot of gagging every other day), major food aversions (couldn’t stand vegetables, water, loafs of any kind, etc..), dizziness (never had this with previous pg’s either), craved a lot of foods we don’t eat (mac and cheese, milk- mostly dairy)

This was pregnancy #8 and after much Praying and discussion between Matthew and I decided to leave this COMPLETELY in Gods hands and not take it into our own, so we made the decision to forgo any blood work or early ultrasounds, which would leave us obsessing. Weeks had passed, we had gone camping and on other trips and the days were passing by with flying colors.

I had made it to 8 weeks and we decided to allow ourselves to schedule my first prenatal appt. We did so and got in to see the nurse practitioner on Nov.12th 2009. It was an uneventful appt, we basically just talked about things and she asked us a few questions and that was that...on the way out she scheduled our first u/s for a few days later, to get a peak of the baby, I would be 9w1d and we were excited that the baby would look like a baby and be wiggling around and we would defiantly see a hb at this point (afterall, we were just so excited to had made it this much farther than any previous pg so far).

The day of the u/s came, Nov. 17th, 2009 and because I had no complications up to this point we were very excited, yet nervous about seeing the baby for the first time. All my previous pg’s had already ended weeks before this point, I was now 2- 2 ½ weeks farther than any previous pg, another reason we were feeling very good about the way things were going, plus I had NO spotting at all. We got to the appt, unfortunately sat in the waiting room for almost an hour, our anxiety almost through the roof by this point, and then finally got called back. I layed on the table and the u/s tech put the lovely gel on my belly and started the u/s. As soon as she placed the wand on my belly we saw the baby, and she even commented “see the baby there?” and we both happily said, “OH YES WE DO!” with much enthusiasm. The next few minutes ill never forget, they are clear in my mind to this day…a heartbeat should have been OBVIOUS at this point and as she continued measuring things and such, I saw nothing flickering, and the baby wasn’t moving (ive seen lots of babies dancing around on an u/s at this point). She placed the little line over the baby to get a heartbeat and there was nothing but a flat line. She was very quiet and continued measuring and taking pictures. After she was finished I asked her if she saw a heartbeat (I guess I was in hopes that I was just missing something and she actually saw one, even though I knew deep down she didn’t) and her answer was “ummm, I didn’t see one, but ill have the Dr come in and talk to you”. NOT the answer you want to hear when you basically asked if your baby was alive or not. The Dr came in and told me she wanted to take a look, so she started the u/s all over again…nothing different. She then started rambling about how it appears our baby must have JUST passed away possibly that morning or day before because as we could all see, baby was measuring 8w6d (I know its normal for babies to measure a day ahead or behind) and then continued to give us our options about what we could do. She explained a few options to us- letting things happen naturally, getting a shot to basically induce the m/c, or have a D&C, and after telling her I knew all that already, I was a pro at m/c because ive already had 7 previous to this one, I said I couldn’t make that decision (about what option to choose) at that time and we asked her to print us out some pictures of our baby (which she did) and we left. The car ride home was full of questions and wonder…we couldn’t understand how I had made it this much farther than any other pg, with no bleeding or any complications just to have the same outcome as all our previous pg’s. When we got home we talked about what we would do and because we were going to be going away for thanksgiving in a few days we decided to schedule a D&C for the following day so that I wouldn’t risk miscarrying on my own while we were away from our own home and also because we wanted them to collect tissue to be sent out for testing- this was important to us because we needed answers as to why this happened- why this baby made it this much farther yet still died. At this point I was still having all my pg symptoms (they started at 5w6d)…this was my only pg that I actually felt very pg, morning sickness, throwing up, extreme tiredness, major food aversions, dizzyness etc, I had it all and while it felt icky at times, I enjoyed every minute of it because it made me feel like I could be assured things were going well…and they were, until this day.

Belly pic and u/s pics (u/s pics are a picture of a picture):






The D&C was scheduled for the next day, Nov.18th 2009 and when I woke up that morning something didn’t feel right about the decision we had made. Matthew and I were questioning if it was too soon to do it, afterall, we didn’t see a hb, but baby was measuring right on track. The guilt flooded our minds, what if the baby was still alive and for some strange reason we just couldn’t see the hb that day (we had read many stories of this happening), then we would be killing our baby by having the D&C and we wouldn’t even know it. We cancelled the D&C and decided we would wait it out a bit longer and see what happened, and then have a repeat u/s to confirm what the situation was. Might I add that we were very disappointed that our dr didn’t give us the option to wait a week and do a repeat u/s (even though we know there is always a risk for infection and im sure she was just looking out for my best interest).

We figured maybe we would do some bw at this point to see what my beta numbers were doing, if they were still increasing, we would feel like things were still ok, but if not then we would know our answer. So the Tuesday before thanksgiving, Nov. 24th 2009 I had my first blood test done, and then we would have another done in a couple days. After having the first blood test, I had read something saying that between 9-12 weeks even in a normal pregnancy your beta numbers eventually level off and begin slowly dropping because the placenta takes over. This got me thinking that maybe the blood work wouldn’t be effective in giving us an answer about what was going on because if the number had dropped, then we would be left wondering if it was really because the pg was ending, or because my numbers had leveled off and were naturally dropping. So we decided not to have the second blood draw in order to not drive ourselves crazy, again we wanted to just continue Praying about things and leaving them in Gods hands. In the meantime we went away for thanksgiving (Nov. 25th-29th) and really enjoyed spending time with our family in our hometown. While we were away I was fine, other than the fact I had the possibility that our baby was dead inside me in the back of my head the whole time…but we did our best to enjoy ourselves and just kept Praying for a miracle, that we would go back for an u/s and see the baby was indeed alive. My symptoms were still strong while away and I still had no bleeding.

We got back home from our trip and by then I was in my 11th week. WOW! Almost to the second trimester. We continued our days like normal, just hoping to make it one day farther each day in hopes that would mean our baby was actually growing well and alive inside of me.

Then things all changed on Wed. Dec.2nd (11w2d pg). It was the afternoon around 1pm and I had gone to the bathroom because I felt (TMI) pretty wet…I hadn’t thought much of it because I had this happening frequently, due to increased CM (it sent me running to the bathroom in fear many time throughout the pg, but was always just CM) but this time was different, I had started spotting (we were in denial that our baby was actually dead inside me, so this was a shock when it happened). I got right on the phone with my drs office and they scheduled me for an u/s at 5pm that night. The little girl I babysit got picked up and Matthew and I made our way to the hospital to see what we already knew (although of course were still hoping for a miracle). The baby was measuring 9w1d (the exact amount of weeks from my last u/s) and there was still no hb, when there definatly would have been at almost 12 weeks pg. Our baby had died, and I had been a baby coffin for the last two weeks. Devistating! We also found out that the results from my blood test a few weeks earlier were a little higher then 165,000, which I thought was a good number for being about 10 weeks. This devastated us even more because we didn’t understand how the baby could be measuring on track and my numbers were really good, I had all the symptoms, but yet the pg still ended. We went home and called my dr and she didn’t think id pass too much that quickly through the night since the bleeding had just started and wasn’t really heavy at that time, so she decided (since it was after hours already) that an emergency D&C wouldn’t be necessary for that night and we would just talk in the morning to schedule it so they could collect the tissue to send out for a chromosome analysis. I told the little girls Mom that I babysit I wouldn’t be able to watch her the next day, because I knew I would be going in at some point for the D&C (but I didn’t give her that detail).

Belly pic and u/s pic:




The next morning came, Thurs. Dec. 3rd, 2009, and Matthew headed to work early. I stayed in bed. The drs office called about 9:45am and said the surgery was scheduled for 3pm and to be at the hospital about 1pm. By this time I had already been up since 2am going to the bathroom and having VERY heavy bleeding and a TON of HUGE! Blood clots (some the size of my hand!). I was concerned the surgery was too far away and id lost too much already and thought the surgery might end up being unnecessary just to get what little would be left inside me and I was really not looking forward to the surgery, in fact I was terrified about the thought of being put to sleep and going through all that comes with having a surgical procedure. At about 10am after just getting off the phone with the drs office, Matthew called me from work while on a break. I was sitting on the toilet at this time because I was having such heavy gushing (still no bad pain, just normal period like cramping) and all the sudden after a HUGE gush of blood I started feeling really wierd. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up or something. I cleaned myself off as quick as possible and got off the toilet incase I was going to throw up. Thankfully Matthew was on the phone with me and I had said to him “honey, can you come home now?” (because he told me to call him anytime if I needed him to come home and he would, plus we had arranged that he would go to work and id call him with the time of the surgery so he could come home and take me). He could tell I didn’t sound good and immediately grabbed his keys, told his supervisor he was leaving and got in the car to come home (thank goodness he is only 10 minutes down the road, he got home really quickly). He asked me what I was feeling and I said I was going to pass out…at that point I felt so bad that I layed right down on the bathroom floor and stayed there until Matthew got home, it helped some. When he got home he helped me back in bed and everytime I had to go to the bathroom he almost had to carry me because as soon as id stand up id get light headed and felt like I would pass out (I should also add that I hadn’t eaten or drank anything since midnight the night before because thats what I was instructed to do since I was going to be having surgery- and I was loosing huge amounts of blood). The blood clots didn’t bother me much in the beginning, but after having a few come out the size of my hand, the feeling of them coming through my cervix really started grossing me out and every time it would happen I would want to throw up, so Matthew put a bag next to the toilet for me incase I needed it. We were VERY torn about whether I should have the surgery or not. We went back and forth about it trying to figure it out for hours. It came down to the last ½ hour before we had to leave to be at the hospital and we still didn’t know what the right thing to do was- we were Praying so hard to know what decision to make. I had lost SO much already and I really didn’t want to put myself through being put to sleep and having the surgery, which had a lot of risks with it, if I didn’t really NEED it (my body seemed to be expelling everything on its own). So at the last minute and after hours of agognizing wonder, we made a decision, and Matthew called the drs office for me and cancelled the surgery. While I was scared we might have made the wrong decision, I was relieved to not have to go to the hospital to have the surgery which I was terrified of. I could finally eat something too and boy was I starving. Matthew helped me downstairs and got me some breakfast and food never tasted so good, although I still had my food aversions so was limited on what I wanted to eat. The day went on basically like the morning, passing a lot of blood and blood clots each time I went to the bathroom. I spent the day laying on the couch with my amazing husband at my side, we were getting through this together. By the late afternoon I must have passed so much because the bleeding already seemed to have been slowing down (don’t get me wrong though, I was still bleeding and passing blood clots).

Then around 6pm we were getting some dinner ready and I felt a lot of pressure and figured another blood clot needed to come out so I went to the bathroom and sat for a few minutes and KNEW something felt different this time. I could feel something coming through my cervix but it wasn’t just sliding out easily and softly like the blood clots etc.. that had come through throughout the day. This felt hard and stuck and I couldn’t get it to come through. I sat on the toilet for probably 15 minutes, but it felt like forever, just pushing and trying to get it to come out. I was getting really light headed and felt like I was going to throw up because the whole thing was just freaking me out. I had a feeling what was coming out was not just a blood clot, but our actual 9 week measuring baby. I tried moving around a little while holding a cup underneath me and trying really hard to get it to come out. The cup was to catch the baby in so that we could take it to the hospital to be sent out for the chromosome analysis we wanted done. Finally I felt a little pop and just as I had thought, it was the baby. I was afraid to look down and see what was in the cup, so Matthew got some surgical gloves and took the cup from me, took it into another room while I got myself cleaned up and he looked at it. He saw something you defiantly don’t see everyday and that was our perfectly formed 9 week little baby. He said he could actually see the babys head, where the eyes would be, ears, nose, mouth, chin etc…and in his words, our baby was SO cute and looked just like a little baby. I wanted so badly to see the baby, but Matthew didn’t think it would be a good idea for me to because he knew it would make this loss that much harder on me. I called the on call dr right away to let her know I had passed the baby and she gave us the instructions to get in the car right away and start driving to labor and delivery at the hospital, so we got in the car and off we went. We got there and handed our precious baby off to be sent to the lab for testing so we could try to get some answers as to what went wrong and why our baby died. They immediatly put the baby in a special container with a special solution. I am kicking myself to this day for not looking at our precious baby. I feel so guilty for not doing so, but it does not mean I didn’t love my baby, I did SO much, I just didn’t know if it would be good for me to have that picture in my mind for the rest of my life, of our lifeless little miracle, so tiny and fragile. I do however wish everyday that I knew what my husband got to see- he got to see our baby. I will have to wait till we get to heaven to see our baby, but it amazes me that Matthew got to see our baby before going to heaven. I am also amazed that even though our baby was caught in a cup, we got to hold our sweet baby for a little while and I am thankful to have had these few moments, as opposed to having the D&C like we had originally planned, I was content with the decision we made.

Our hearts are very heavy but by the grace of God he is giving us great comfort and strength to get through this devastating journey and we cant thank him enough for that. We are Praying that the baby was able to have the chromosome analysis so we will be able to get an answer as to what went wrong, and also be able to find out if our baby was a boy or girl. I think these answers will give us some closure. We wont know the results of the testing for a couple weeks (possibly not until Jan 4th when I go in for a follow up appt). If the testing went well and we were able to find out if the baby was a boy or girl, we have decided to name the baby to honor him or her. We have wanted to name ALL our babies but its so hard to come up with that many gender neutral names (we don’t want to choose girl or boy names because we aren’t sure of the babies genders and don’t feel right with that). We love our babies all the same, but if we find out this baby was a girl or boy, we decided we want to name our son or daughter and when we get to heaven and meet the rest of our babies we will be able to name them too according to there gender.

As for me, its Dec.9th and I am 6 days out from passing the baby and the bleeding seems to be ending, I hope. My heart is heavy but I am doing ok and just Praying for God to show us his plans so we can follow the right path and live our lives according to his plan for us. We are obviously longing DEEPLY to have a child of our own, but maybe God has other plans for us, and we will do everything according to his plan. We Pray that he will show us the way and we will make the right decisions as to whether we will continue ttc or have some other means for having children and in the meantime we will just Pray for God to give us the strength we need to get through these losses. I feel that loosing these babies has brought Matthew and I closer together. Our eyes have really been opened to see how much we mean to each other and need each other (and also how much we need God in our lives everyday, through everything) and its such a blessing to have the love we share and to have each other to lean on. I thank God for Matthew everyday.

Today, Dec. 10th 2009 is exactly one week since we lost our precious baby. Bleeding still seems to be gone, so hopefully wont come back, and hopefully all that needed to come out did so that I wont have any problems with infection or any other complications. I had called my dr a few days ago and asked her what the lab will do with our baby once they were done with the chromosome analysis and basically from my understanding is that they would have just thrown the baby in the garbage with the rest of the “medical waste”. This was what I was afraid she would say, and the thought of our baby being thrown in the garbage was completely disrespectful and unacceptable to us so I told my dr to get in contact with the lab she sent it to and have them give the baby back to us when they were done with the testing so that we can do what we feel is right for us and our baby to have closure from all of this. I got a phone call from the drs office today that our baby was sent back to labor and delivery and was ready for me to pick up, so this afternoon I drove to the hospital and picked up our baby and brought him or her home. We didn’t expect this phone call this soon so still haven’t decided what we will do but im just glad to know our baby wasn’t just tossed in the garbage like a piece of waste, how disheartening…this is human life we are talking about, I don’t see an adult that passes away just being thrown in the garbage. We aren’t planning on having a funeral or anything, we had considered possibly doing a cremation but by looking at the baby at this point I don’t think that there is really enough left (from sitting so long) to do that. At this point we are thinking of just choosing a place special to us and burying our baby at its final resting spot. We just want our baby to rest in peace and we cant wait to see our little one(s) again when we get to Heaven. Not only will we get to see our Heavenly Father, but we will get to see all these precious miracles that we never got to really meet….and that…that will be a glorious day.



Dec. 11th, 2009- yesterday my bleeding was pretty much non-existant, and then today I woke up and it seems to be back some. I know everything needs to come out, and I want it to, so I don’t run a risk of infection or any other complications, but I just want it to be done! Hopefully after today it will go away.

Dec. 12th 2009- bleeding is pretty much non-existant today and after talking about what we want to do with the baby, I think we have come to a conclusion about what is right for us.

*Note- I will be following up the m/c with a blood test, once weekly, to confirm my beta levels are dropping appropriately.