Some of you who still check in on this very much "not updated, nothing to write about" blog, may also stalk my chart, and may have noticed that I hadn't logged AF for this cycle. If you guessed it might be because I was pregnant, then you were correct. Baby #9 was lovingly conceived on August 8th 2011, and anticipated with much excitement after not ttc for almost two years since loosing Kaylee in December 2009. September 2nd 2011- another heart stopping day. We lost yet another of our precious innocent Angels. Our hopes and dreams for this baby were yet again pulled out from underneath us. It is a HUGE reality check to go from one day being filled with so much joy for this baby growing inside of you, to the next of being filled with emptiness, an empty womb and empty arms.
For my records and those who care to know, here is the day by day from this pregnancy.
August 8th 2011- Had ovulation twinges, took an opk and it was positive. We conceived on this day.
Top two opks negative from August 7th, Bottom two opks positive from August 8th
August 15th 2011 (7dpo)- Light cramping/dull pain in lower abdomen between 4-5am and also around 2pm and through the rest of the day
(written on August 15th)
I had the most amazing dream EVER last night. We were pregnant and at the doctors office for our ultrasound. We saw the baby in 3d and it was the most amazing thing ive ever seen, and heard the babys heartbeat, which was the most amazing thing ive ever heard. Then the doctor said "she is perfect and healthy" and we were like "she?" then she said "its a girl". I started crying because I was so happy that the baby was healthy...then I woke up.
I layed there forever just rethinking the whole thing over and over, and felt this happiness come over me that ive never felt before. I cant even describe it, but yeah, definatly the best dream ive ever had. Now im sitting here praying that can become a reality for us someday soon. Im feeling so anxious this cycle, thinking im not pg because I havent had a implant dip which I seem to always get with my pg charts, even though I know you can probably still be pg without one.
August 17th 2011 (9dpo)- sore bbs started
While hanging out outside, across the street, with my neighbor, I was sitting in a chair, and my 2 1/2 year old neighbor came over and climbed on my lap, and totally out of the blue, lifts my shirt a tiny bit and asks me "where is your baby?" then I told her I didnt have one, but just for the fun of it, my neighbor and I wanted to see where she was going with this convo, so we asked her "is my baby a boy or a girl" and first she said boy, but then she thought about it for a second and said "your baby a girl". At this point I still didn't know I was pg.
August 18th 2011 (10dpo)- sore bbs, a few quick sharp pains in lower abdomen around 5am and slightly sharp cramping around 9:30am, very hungry every 3 hours, sore throat, took dollar store hpt and it was extremely light, figured it was probably negative.
August 19th 2011 (11dpo)- sore throat, sore bbs, few twinges in lower abdomen around 9:30pm, very hungry every 3 hours, took another dollar store hpt and looked again like a very very light line, figured it was negative.
August 20th 2011 (12dpo)- sore bbs, woke up very thirsty, dry throat, bloating. Took a different batch dollar store hpt and got a BFP!! (Pretty sure the two I took the last two days were a bad batch because they were so much lighter)
August 21st 2011 (13dpo)- stopped temping, woke up with some slightly strong cramping, woke up thirsty, dry throat, sore bbs in the morning and throughout day, bloating. Took a dollar store hpt and FRER and got a BFP on both!!
August 22nd 2011 (14dpo)- Slightly strong cramping throughout day, mostly morning/afternoon, sore bbs, bloating
August 23rd 2011 (15dpo)- woke up feeling fine, bbs only a tiny bit sore in the am, tired, bloating
August 24th 2011 (16dpo)- sore bbs, tired in the afternoon/evening, slight heartburn in heart in the evening, bloating
August 25th 2011 (17dpo)- very tired, bloating, hungry, few seconds of very slight nausea around 10:30am, slight increase in CM
August 26th 2011 (18dpo)- woke up very dizzy at 5:30am, slight increase in CM, very tired, cramping on and off throughout day
August 27th 2011 (19dpo)- quite crampy in the morning, tired, dizzy
August 28th 2011 (20dpo)- slightly tired, slightly sorer bbs in the evening, otherwise felt fine
August 29th 2011 (21dpo)- slight soreness in abdomen for short period of time around 2:00pm till about 3:00pm, tired
August 30th 2011 (22dpo)- Took another hpt because I wasn't feeling many symptoms and started feeling disbelief that I was actually pregnant:
Progression of tests (12dpo, 13dpo, 22dpo):
I had some super bloating with this pg that made me look a few months pregnant. Im not sure if it had to do with the fact that ive been pg 9 times now, or maybe I had twins in there, but I loved every second of looking pregnant, I took a few pics.
August 31st 2011 (23dpo)- did baking soda gender prediction test just for fun. 1 tsp baking soda, pee about 1 tsp of pee on it and if it fizzes, that is a boy result, and no fizzing is a girl result. Mine did not fizz at all.
Belly pics (I was awesomely huge this day, LOVED this belly):
September 1st 2011 (24dpo)- Sharp cramping around 9:00am for about a 1/2 hour
September 2nd 2011 (25dpo)- Woke up at 6:30am to pee, light brown spotting on tp. Woke again at 8:00am to pee, red spotting on tp. Spotting turned into normal period like flow after getting up. Miscarriage #9.
This entire pregnancy I had a huge feeling this baby was a girl. Beggars cant be choosers and we would have been so over the moon happy with a healthy baby, no matter what the gender, a son or a daughter would have been lovingly welcomed into our arms and showered with an immeasurable amount of love. Reality....now I have to get back to it, after 5 weeks and 4 days of pure bliss knowing I was pregnant and had our baby right here with us in my belly.
It took me this long since loosing Kaylee to decide we could consider trying to conceive again. It was a hard decision for me to come to because I knew this could just happen again, but my longing for a child got the best of me and I let in. I wouldn't change that decision because we will get to hold this baby in our arms someday, along with our 8 others, but I just wish it could have had a better outcome. This baby had a due date of our wedding anniversary and I thought that was so special and had hoped it meant something for this pregnancy, but I was wrong. I was in denial that I would miscarry again when I lost my sore boob symptom and didn't get any others. I tried to just have faith that even with my lacking of symptoms, things could be ok and tried not stressing myself over every little thing I did and didn't feel. It helped me enjoy my pregnancy the best I could while it lasted and im happy for that, but I miss this baby so incredibly much. Some people out there may think "I cant believe she is still ttc", "she obviously is just going to miscarry again", "doesn't she know she just cant have a baby", etc....and they can think whatever they want, but we live on Faith and our unbelievable longing to have a baby is why we have not given up yet. I don't know what the future holds for us, but we like to believe that some way, some how, and hopefully some day soon, we will be holding a miracle blessing, a healthy gift from God, in our arms. Look at your child, you know that feeling you get? That is why we haven't given up.
Im going to hug my husband a little tighter today, and thank God for him, because he took the day off to be with me as we are both mourning the loss of our little one. Prayers people, they are powerful, and God hears every one of them. Sometimes we ask WHY and don't know the answer, but He does, and that's why we must in all situations, continue to have Faith and trust in him, and that is why we must live our lives day to day FOR HIM, because he will guide us in this temporary life, until he comes to take us to our eternal home (John 14:1-3, 1 “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. 2 In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.), where we will not only get to spend every day with Him, asking our WHYs and hearing his answers, with no more pain and no more tears (Revelation 21:4 "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”), but we will also get to hold our little Angels that we cant hold here today.
Baby #9- August 8th 2011-September 2nd 2011. We love you forever and will always miss you greatly ^0^
4 comments:
Hugs and prayers for you both. I can't wait to meet you and all nine of you children when I get to heaven!
Erika, I am soo sorry. I was really hoping that this bfp would be your sticky one. I hope that someday very soon you get to hold one of your sweet babies alive, here on earth.
I'm so sorry! I don't know why, but I was thinking about you yesterday...hoping all was well. Wishing for a miracle for you two soon! ((hugs)) ~ twicemom
I'm sorry for your loss :( but I admire your faith and trust greatly! You are the strongest person I know! Hang in there and I know He will bless you beyond your wildest dreams :)
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