Getting it all out...

I think I might hit a breaking point sometime soon, I just dont know how much more I cant take, im getting so depressed. Just thinking of everything we have had to endure, I know there are people out there in situations as bad as ours or even worst, but living it myself- its so hard. I know there has to be light at the end of the tunnel at some point, but im so discouraged right now and I hate who I have become, I want my life back, I want to be a Mom, a happy Mom, and to put all this pain and heartache aside. I dont know what Gods plan is for me, and I have to trust that whatever it is, its the best thing for us, but I have a hard time believing that enduring all this pain is the best thing for us, I know God said it wouldnt aways be easy, but I feel like im being handed too much at one time....I dont want my faith to be shaken so I have to stay strong, but im getting so weak...my heart can only take so much. Just tonight my MIL called me and we were talking about some things, and she had mentioned that my SIL's parents (who are foster parents) got called for a 10 month old little boy and a newborn baby girl just taken from her Mom at the hospital because the mother cant stay clean from drugs and my heart just broke down. My sil's parents probably wont take them because they already have a bunch of kids in here house, but she thought of Matthew and I and asked my SIL if dh and I were foster parents, if we were, we could have a 10 month old and a newborn right now, a son and a daughter...and they are up for adoption, they could be OURS....but because VA is so strict and annoying with there classes to become foster parents, dh and I cant do them because dh has to work night shifts and would have to miss some classes which isnt allowed. I just feel like every opportunity so far to become parents has failed for us, and that hurts so much because it makes me wonder if we arent meant to have a child or to be parents. I just dont know if I can accept that. We want to start IVF, but dh insists that we do more testing to be SURE its the balanced translocation...im sad that were not completly on the same page with this, because at this point im convinced it is the BT causing all of this as are my dr's, and he isnt. We have run so many tests, and NOTHING has come back with even the smallest abnormality, I just think if something else was the cause, one of the tests would have come back with a red flag. I hate wasting time, its obvious that ttc naturally isnt working for us, and I want to stop playing around and setting myself up for another loss and move on to bigger and better so we can get the miracle we have long waited for. I feel so lost, I dont know where to go from here or what to do. Im so alone, sometimes feeling like my own husband isnt here for me because even he doesnt know how I am feeling, and unfortunatly he doesnt know what to do or say when I need someone to lean on. I just feel like I need something in my life, some kind of answer telling me which way to go and what to do. I frequently wish I could just sit next to Jesus and talk to him and let him hold my hand or hold me in his arms so I know he is there hearing me cry out to him day after day. Something has to give, it just has to...its just so hard being in limbo while waiting for the next direction to be given, I just feel so helpless. I desperatly wanted to be pg before the holidays, I really thought I would be, specially during the holidays last year, I thought for sure id either have a baby by now or at least be pg. I thought this last pg was my answer, that we were going to finally have our miracle baby, that would have helped my holidays to be more happy...im dreading them now. I should have a baby or two in my arms by now but here I stand still with empty arms and a broken heart. I used to LOVE the holidays, thanksgiving and christmas, but now adays they are nothing but a memory of all the pain im in and that while everyone in the family is happy with there families, I stand with a fake smile on my face while watching them all and wondering WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to plug my ears when we get around family, because im afraid of someone saying something to me that I dont want to hear about someone of something...because my heart has turned so fragile and everything I hear makes me sad...and makes me think of my babies that I dont have here in my arms. This is all over my head and too big for me to burden on my own.